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June 22 2006
Thursday 9:30 am
I am tired!!!! I went to bed early last night so I do not get it. I am sleepy!!! I asked Dave if we are going out tonight but got no answer from him. He is not talking to me right now. I do not know if it is anger or what. But then I never know with him.
He got an email from Liz yesterday. She wants money. Probably why didn't write me? I wish she would. I want to be a part of her life. I am her mom. I love her!! I hope she knows that. I talked to my mom and she offered her a bus ticket. I hope Liz takes her up on it. My mom is offering a place to live while Liz gets back on her feet. My mom would help her with a car, work, school, whatever. But is would give Liz a good chance at life! this could be her new start and a way to get a running start!
Hmm. I just got an interesting call!! My counselor called me for info!!! He needed to know about one of the services I had found for low income people.
June 21 2006
Wednesday 9:30 am
Hmmm ... Counseling was most interesting yesterday!! Gary is happy about the steps I am making on working on my self. I do feel better about myself as a person. I wish Dave would stop his nasty comments. He keeps making negative comments about how I look. I have lost 60 lbs!!! I am down form almost a size 18 to a 8!!! I feel good about my weight loss. I also am from a very extra large top into a big medium or a small large. He makes comments like I am dressing to young. I need to dress older. And that I have on a hoochie shirt. It does mean that he notices though :-) !! I seriously only want him to notice. I hope he think is am hot and sexy! I want him to want to make love to me! I want him to wake up and reach out and hug me. I want the sun the moon and the stars but I know he can't /won't give that to me right now. I hope and pray that he will decide to be my husband again. I did not make him marry me or stay married for the last 20 years. I know I cannot make him stay married but I can hope and pray he chooses to.
I wound up running all day yesterday!! I dropped off all the papers I need to the school district for the job there. I traded Dave out his car and took it in for an oil change. It took forever so I wound up running late all day after that. I ran from errand to errand all day! I finally got home about 3!!!
June 20 2006
Tuesday 8:30 am
I have a ton of things to do today!!!!! I have my counselor, drop off job stuff, doc appt and tonight a lawyer meeting. It is the list that never ends!!!
June 19 2006
Monday 9:30 am
ERRGHH!!!!! That is the only word I can think of this morning!!! The drama in my life! I seriously think I should become a soap opera write and use my life as the basis for it! This involves Liz! I guess she and looser split up. So she is now homeless in WI. Liz wrote my mom asking her for money to help. I would rather my mom offered her a bus ticket to Il and to take her in. I would like to see her accept it and go to school and get her life in order so she never winds up in the situation I am in right now. I have no regrets. I thought I was going to be a mommy forever and never have to worry. A part time job would be fine but Dave would be here and take care of the major things in life. But I now know this may not be the case. I want my girls to protect themselves from ever going through the pain I am.
I hope Dave had a good fathers day. We gave him a really nice polo. It looked hot on him !!!!! I wanted to jump him!!! But of course self restraint!! But I do!!! HE is so dang cute!!! I love his smile!! I love his butt!!! He has a really soft spot on his hand I love to feel!! I love to run my fingers through his hair!! I find him sexy as heck just the way he is!! I guess that is a part of my definition of love. I accept him the way he is and love him for who he is no matter what. Yes he has his faults and he is not perfect. But he is perfect enough for me :-)
He did 4 things that rocked me this weekend! One he came home right after PJ's on sat night. I wish I had known he was coming home. I would of been ready to go out! I want to go to a movie so bad!!! But I did not expect him home in time so I was not ready to go. Then he went out running yesterday morning and he left his phone in the house!!! That mad me feel good. The 3rd thing was we went out for dinner and he left his phone in the car. The 4th thing was he took us out to eat at Red Robin!!!! He got a gift cert and some coupons for free burgers. He had told me he lost the coupons though. Makes me mad he lied about them. But we did go out and I did have fun with him and the kids.
June 16 2006
Friday 10:00 am
I hate to admit it but Dave cracks me up. It really is not funny but it is. He came home very angry last night. NO clue what he is mad about. He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. His moods flip on a dime. This morning he woke up angry but then he talked nice to me and he even hugged me! And I needed that bad!!!! I wish he could come home from work and give me a nice hug. I need one bad today. But the chances of that happening are slim to none.
I have some things I want to talk to him about but do not know how to approach him. I want to ask him if he feels he is teaching the kids a good lesson on faithfulness and honoring your word by having these EA's he is having. He needs to end all this crap and just be alone for a while and think. He has never given himself time alone to think. He also has never given us a fair fighting chance to work on things. Ideally if he would end these affairs and take like a few months to think things over would be great. I wish he would meet me for lunch. I wish he would text me good morning or good night if he is working. I wish he would talk to me about his day. Until lardass is gone that wont happen. He devotes all his time and energy to them. Yes today I am very hurt. I want to crawl in bed and cry. I am thinking he is talking to Bridgett again. That is not cool. She does not want to be with him and he needs time to get over her. He will not move forward in anything in his life until she gives him time to heal. I almost wish that instead of talking to her I had just talked to her husband. But I do not want to upset anyone. I just want a fighting chance for my marriage. I think she realizes that I do want that. I honestly do not wish her any ill will. I hope her life gets only better and that she can find happiness in her own marriage or life.
I have a ton of things to do on the financial papers but I am lost. I don't know some of the answers and when I ask Dave for help me treats me like a monster. I wish I felt he supported me in this. It hurts to feel so alone. I do not even feel that he is proud of me for everything I am doing. I almost think he doesn't want me to start school. If he wants me to put it off for a little longer it would be nice if he voiced that to me. If he would rather that for right now I get a part time job in the day then I wish he would say so. But I cannot get a straight answer out of him. Same as I wish he would stop lying to me all the time. I want so much to believe and trust in him again. I want to feel safe and cherished and loved. Not alone lost and neglected. He is so confusing....
Alas, that is my rant for today. I am looking for new graphics. Not sure what I want to do. I want a new layout etc... I looked at word press but it is intimidating. I am a simple kind of person.
June 15 2006
Thursday 9:00 am
I am sad today. I am realizing that my marriage will probably not recover. I am very upset at that thought. I want to be Dave's wife. I would work on things here in a heart beat. I just need some indication from Dave that he is willing. If it is he needs time to think or whatever. I just want a glimmer of hope. I want a future! I know that even that glimmer would not mean things would work. All I have ever wanted was a chance. I don't feel that he has ever given us that.
I am also sad that the smoothie I made for breakfast is to freakin frozen to drink right now. I want it now! I do not want to wait for it to defrost. I did not want fruit cream for breakfast. I want a smoothie!
Oh ! When I was at the school yesterday I looked into getting into something so that I can work in the school system. I would really like that. I would not have to worry about daycare that way. The kids would be on the same schedule as me. Does that make sense?
June 14 2006
Wednesday 11:00 am
I am working hard on my college entrance things. I need to let Dave know that I am doing a program at Olympic college instead of going to Bryman. Bryman got shut down by the Government. Something about their credentials got pulled etc... They promise job placement and stuff but cannot follow through. Got to many complaints on them. I was told all about it last week at job source. So Olympic college offers same type programs. So I am going there instead. So its same type program different location. I think it would be funny if Jon decided to do running start. Both of us would be at the same school!! I never knew financial aid was so stinking hard!!! The forms never end!!!
June 13 2006
Tuesday 10:00 am
Dave is in a huge funk right now. He is really grumpy. I wish he could talk to me about what is going on. I am excited though. He has a house closing on Thursday! So we are going to get our bills caught up!! And I am going grocery shopping!!!! Probably going to spend about $200 or so. I am going to stock up! We need so much! I have been scraping by so it will be nice to actually have things to make. I am running out of creativity. I can only stretch things so far.
I want to go see a movie so bad! I feel like I have cabin fever. I am feeling trapped. I think it is a combination of everything. I do really like being a SAHM again though. But I know that is only a temp thing. I wish things would get back on track and I could look for a part time job and not worry. But I know Dave has agreed to only stay long enough for me to go to school. That has been the hardest thing for me to deal with. The loosing my life as I was liking it.
Gah! I have so much to do but.. But no energy! I am not sleeping well at all. I toss and turn all night long. I am so used to being held in Dave's arms while sleep its hard. I feel so cold at night. I lay there watching the clock tick off the minutes while I wish he could hold me and warm me up. I feel so cold all the time right now though. I miss human touch. I want to be held and loved.
OK I have enough on my pity party today. I am off to see my counselor. He always makes me feel a ton better. My mom is also a very smart person. She has given me some insight on her take on things. I think she hit things on the head.
June 10 2006
Saturday 11:00 am
I am sad. Our lawn mower is broke. The handle is snapping off. It is about 5 years old. I know it has served us well. Dave wants to get the handle welded but I do not know if this mower is worth saving. It has other issues. Anyone know the lifespan of a mower?
Dave has put spy ware on my computer. Like I am the one who needs to be spied on. I find it funny but angering at the same time. I now have no privacy. Dave listened in on a private conversation with my mom about 2 weeks ago. Now he wants to know everything I do on the computer. I am not the one who is having an EA!!! He is! So why spy on me? It does bother me because I now have no way that I can vent my feelings without him seeing everything I say and do. I can't even talk to a friend on AIM. But he has his secret email accounts and he goes to work all day on his computer and talks to everyone under the sun about things. I do resent this. I can't send an email to a friend for support without him knowing why I am upset. I find this to be ridiculous. It bothers me a lot. But he has it so deeply embedded I cant find it and remove it. I have to have the password to do that. Funny thing is I have nothing to hide. If he wants to see my email account I would let him.
I want to go see a movie tonight. We were supposed to go last night but the closing driver walked out. So Dave stayed and covered. So I am going to suggest it for tonight. I want to see the Da Vinci Code. I also want Arby's. I have been in a mood for that for about 2 weeks now. Stupid commercials!!! Oh and I want a blue cheese burger from Red Robin. Oh yea.. The owners of that sold it. So they are no longer linked with Papa John's. So that means no more discount. I am sad!!!!
Ah well... Off to do some laundry.. Get the kids all shiny. Stephie has gum all over her chin. She has been blowing really big bubbles and it stuck all over her face.
June 8 2006
Thursday 1:00 pm
I do miss blogging. I always feel better when I do do it. I just sometimes don't have a lot to say. Or I am feeling like I do not want to share what I am feeling. I have so many things on my mind.
I wish Dave would end his relationship with blubber butt. He gripes about me being overweight and she must be 400 lbs. She waddles!!!! I know he is not ready to work on our marriage. I just want him to be faithful. I hope and pray everyday that he will decide to be part of our family again permanently. I would take him back with open arms. I hope he knows that the road home is paved and waiting for him to choose to go down it.
I have found out some of our issues though. I know that we have a major communication break down. I do not know how to fix that. I want to though. Even if we don't wind up together we need to communicate. I wish Dave would be interested in a http://www.retrouvaille.org/ session. There is one Sept 22 I would love to go to.
I also know he resents me not working over the years. I do not understand the anger about it though. It has never been an issue until now. I know money is tight. I am trying. I am working on getting into school. I am working a part time/temp job to help out. And what about the kids? They are out of school in 10 days!! Who is going to watch them? He is looking for reasons to be mad at me. This upsets me terribly. I do not want his anger. I desperately want to feel his love again.
He for some reason feels that he does all the housework. He has helped out in the past but I have always worked on the house. I am not Susie homemaker. My house is clean though. My kids are clean. My kids are generally happy and well behaved. The only thing I wish he would do now is the yard. It is above and beyond my capabilities.
May 29 2006
Monday 8:00 pm
10 very long very hard painful months have passed since I got "THE" speech from Dave…
One very important lesson I've managed to learn as a result of this process: What you feel now, at this very moment, is probably not going to be important to your life two, five, or ten years from now. You can do something to fix that immediate pain and you might manage to feel better tomorrow. But if the real problem, real issue had not been dealt with, it will come back and it will make a statement and most definitely it will demand the solution. Running away, pretending that the problem simply no longer there will never help. It will not help you if you are simply ignoring the pain which is eating you up. That pain maybe is instant and very familiar to you; maybe you already know that it will go away… But you also know that it will come back and unless you are well prepared for that moment, it might strike even harder than before. And there is no way not to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmares hunting you from the past; and there is no way not to cry. I still struggle to identify those moments well in advance, I still find myself unprepared and yes I still cry. But there is a change. The pain does not last for nearly half as long as it used to. And this is a real progress to me, as it was one of the hardest things to deal with. I did not want to find myself stuck in my own pain and misery. No ways! I will cry if I have to but it will not last, it will not eat me up forever.
As for the future there are many challenges ahead. I do feel different these days. I am more positive and even hopeful that it will eventually get better: emotionally, financially and in all the other aspects of life. I have my children and they have me. That is a lot to be grateful for and that is something I think about in one of those “dark” days…
No matter how depressed, saddened, lonely or stressed out I get, there will always be someone or something to help me find that inner strength. My future is far from being clear, I cannot really be sure that tomorrow I will be ok, but I might be able to make it through and that is what counts.
So my dear friends with all that is said I am going forward. I will stop complaining from now on and I will not look back. What happened in my past no one will ever be able to change and I promise not to have any more regrets. It is time to live again, it is time to breathe and actually feel alive.
May 2 2006
Tuesday 9:00 am
What is wrong with our society that we allow this? We allow men to walk away from family, wives, responsibility. We accept, that they just weren't "HAPPY". I am so sickened by this. I feel like we, as women, should be able to do something. And yet, OTHER WOMEN, enable, condone, and illicit this behavior. I KNOW it's not all men. I am just really horrified at the scope and magnitude of this problem. And that we all, in one way or another, brush it under the rug. What do we teach our daughters? How do we expect them to have it all? And still protect themselves?
March 22 2006
Wednesday 9:00 am
I am asking my self these questions for the last few days.... I decided to share them just in case you have some sort of in depth answers to them that will help me.
1. Why am I here? Why am I still alive?
2. IF I killed myself what benefits would my family have? Life insurance? A chance at a good life without my messing up my kids?
3. Would the kids be better off without me? Look what I did to Liz. I am a trite meaningless person who is ruining lives. I want so much to be a good mom and wife but look at how my kids are turning out and how my marriage is.
4. What have I done to wreck our marriage? And why can't I get Dave to listen to me. Why won't he give us a chance? I want my marriage and my life and my husband with all my heart and I am so hurt by things that are going on. I do not know what to do, where to turn or anything.
5. What is my purpose in life now? I had thought it was to be Dave's wife and mother his kids. Be by his side until the end of time; be sealed for all time and eternity to him. Now what?
6. Why do I keep breathing when I don't want to because it hurts way to much?
7. If I die is there any guarantee that my spirit will leave my body and not be stuck under ground in the dark and cold? Those are my 2 biggest fears about dying. I am scared of the dark and I detest being cold more then anything else in the world.
I am sorry if this seems dark. My life is right now. I have nothing I feel good about in it right now. I want to curl up into a ball and die. I have no hope or dreams left. Everything I thought I knew I wanted, every hope I had, every dream is now shattered. How do I pick up the pieces and move on? I have no control over anything in my life or I would make Liz straighten up and I would make Dave be a good husband again and decide our marriage , our life, our future is worth it.
March 21 2006
Tuesday 9:00 am
Oy vey!!! My life is a soap opera that never ends. I have way to much drama in my life. My van has finally done it. It has this not starting issue. It wont start for 15 min then its fine. I so want to kill it. Also my check engine light has been on. So we have been putting new distributor caps in the thing cause were told water is getting in there and that is the problem. So Dave has been trying to find where the cap goes. He asked me to go by Big O tires and have them show me where it is. When I go to leave guess what?!?!?!? It won't start!!! YEA!!!! It does the problem at the repair place!! I was so excited!! SO they real quick jack it up crawl under it and find the REAL problem!! It was my starter all along! The other good is that is is under my extended warranty!! More good news!!! And they show me what the check engine light is about and that is fixed too!!! I am really excited. It turns out it was stupid and a no brainier fix. My gas cap has to be turned for 3 clicks for some odd reason not the normal one. So being clicked down now the light is off. So all it needs now is a new windshield. So if anyone wants to donate towards the $579 I need for that I have paypal :-) I hope sometime soon to find enough for one with no cracks in it! The crack has recently decided to travel across the drivers side line if vision so that will soon have to be addressed.
So for today's update/drama that is all. I will do Dave and Liz in the upcoming days. There is just so much there. It makes my head spin. I could seriously write my own soap opera and it would be more interesting. I have more twists and turns in my life then I know what to do with.
March 20 2006
Monday 10:00 am
So much has happened where to start!!! OK lets start with the easiest of things in my life to explain right now. Grab a drink and hold on . This is going to be long yet it's the easiest to explain.
I no longer work at Honey Baked Hell. Lets back up and I will give a bit of history for those who are behind. I took this job back in Sept out of desperation since I have no job experience. I have put up with a lot of crap from SUE the co-owner. She is a raging witch. She is having an affair in the store and we are all supposed to play stupid about it. While her husband was away in Georgia about the store, she was making out in the kitchen with her boy toy Richard.
So anywho... it was not a very comfortable place to be working. About Feb 26 I got sick. Really sick. Bronchitis type sick. I had a doctor note putting me off work for 5 days. Sue was not happy about that. When I came back to work she laid this guilt trip on me that other people had to cover my shifts etc... Umm Hello I am aloud to be sick!!!!! Its the first time I have been off since I started!
So I still kept at it... Well, on Wed. March 8 we got in 2 semi large orders. Sue being Sue starts in on me get this done get that done move faster blah blah blah... Then in the midst of it all she decides she is going to make sandwiches. Well, fine but if you want me to get the order done and out right then back off. So I asked her to please do so. Well, she calls me a BITCH!!! I about dropped dead. She has a foul mouth on her and I about walked out right then and there. But no because I need the job. Those were about the last sandwiches I would ever make there. After that she pulled me off the san line and had me wash dishes, make sauces, wash walls, floors, freezer shelves, etc.. Her husband saw how bad she was treating me and of course until I told him what she did I was the one at fault. On Mon the 13th she was still at it. I let her husband know I was getting to be at the end of my patience with her and he talked to her in the afternoon about how she is treating me. She didn't like what he said so of course you know what rolls down hill. I get a phone call from her at home telling me if I ever talk to her husband again she will fire me. Ok whatever. I thought since he was the co owner we could talk to him. She is a raging witch who needs a leash anyways. So Dave suggests I quit. So I got to thinking should I screw her in a morning or what. Well, we decide to drive the key in that night and tell her I won't be returning. She was like a total snot too when I did it. I know if I had given her 2 weeks notice she would of treated me even worse. SO that is the end of my HBH stint and I am actually quite glad to be done there.
So what am I doing now?? Not a lot but trying. I am doing some on the side catering I hope takes off. I learned a lot while I was at HBH about it so I am doing this for realtors. I hope it takes off but I have some serious doubts. I also am going to be sewing and selling on eBay again. I also currently have a temp job for a jewelry company as a Vendor in the NEX. I work 20 hours a week for the next 3 weeks then the job is done until July. It pays good and for the measly 20 hours I make as much as I did as HBH. SO it works for now until I get myself pulled together. I am hoping to convince Dave to let me go to college and get my AA at least so I can teach in the school here. It would be nice to have the same holidays as the kids. And I am sure I have to have some credits I can transfer and such.
And before anyone asks my home life is hell and I will post that another day. This is long enough. So that is the long and short on my work situation right now.
March 17 2006
Friday 9:00 pm
Long tome no blog!!! So much has happened in my life!!! I am right now working on a new layout and slowly making a blog comeback. I tired a quick stop over at My space but I don't like it. So I am back with major life changes. I will be slowly blogging and filling it all in. This is more or less to say howdy and I am BACK!!!!